Subaru, the Hacker
by cracker184
Summary: After meeting with Helba a few times, Subaru wants to take on the lifestyle of a hacker. Can she do it? WARNING!: ooc-ness, lesbian mocking, some language, and subaru-bashing!
1. Subaru's Choice

hullo all my adoring fans! guess what? i'm actually writing another story! yes, yes, although hard 2 believe, it's very true… and since they made that stupid rule, that "no script format" rule, i guess i'll hav 2 write like regular…grrrrrrrrr…...! o well, better get started!

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disclaimer: i don't own n-e of the .hackSIGN characters, because if i did, y would I b writing this? i wouldn't, that's y! i'd b paying someone 2 write it 4 me!

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"Tsukasa…."

Subaru, all alone, lie facedown on the ground, beat up…

"Uh, Subaru, you can get up, this is just a game…" Mimiru told her. "It's not like you're REALLY near death. Stupid…"

"Well, maybe I am MENTALLY scarred, did you think of that?" Subaru said, getting up and healing herself. Mimiru just stared at her like she was an idiot.

"So, where's Tsukasa? I haven't seen him around this server lately," Mimiru brought up.

"I dunno, maybe Bear knows…" Subaru replied.

"Bear's a butt and think he knows everything…I think he's a teacher. That is very teacher-like, to act like you know everything, when in actuality, you wouldn't be anything without the little snidely 'Teacher's Manual!' They deserve the pay they get for torturing the students all day! And what do the teachers actually DO in the Teacher's Lounge anyway? I mean, is it just a broken coffee machine and a cassette player in there, or is all that just a cover for an underground dance party that serves free nachos? Hmmmmm, hmmmmm!"

"Ummmm…..what are we talking about now? Are we talking about Bear or how teachers are stupid or the teacher's lounge?" Just then, something happens.

"Haha, you're retarded! Subaru's a stupid-head!" Helba said, popping out of the Chaos Gate that she just made.

After her mocking, an angry Subaru asked, "HOW DOES SHE DO THAT!"

"She's a hacker, she can do whatever she wants, remember?" BT says.

"When did you get here?" Mimiru said.

"Well, I…."

Mimiru cut her off. "Never mind, I don't care any more. I don't conversate with….with…"

"With what, Mimiru?" BT asked sharply.

"WITH BIG-HEADED-BACK-STABBING-POOPY-DOO-HEADS!" Mimiru said angrily. "At least I don't have to use a game to get guys! Why are you so desperate! Are you to stupid to live by yourself and need a big, strong man to take care of you? And what is the deal with you and Bear? Did y'all go out or something!"

BT, acting like she's "all that," as the kids say, snickered and gated out.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she goes and tells Sora what ya just said to her…" Subaru said quietly.

"Aww, it doesn't matter. Ever since he was Data Drained, he's no threat." Mimiru said slyly.

After a long pause, Subaru turns and says, "I think I wanna be a hacker."

Mimiru looked at her blankly for a while, and then said, "Are you serious! I always thought you were a goody-goody! I guess you proved me wrong! So, what made wanna become a hacker?"

Subaru said, "I think it's just because I have nothing better to do. And Helba gets to do all the really cool stuff! I wanna do cool stuff! Like, like popping out of nowhere to insult people, or make infinite virtual pbj sandwiches to eat, or other cool stuff like that!"

"First off, if you make pbj sandwiches, why would it matter? You couldn't taste them or anything. And second of all, you have to be really smart to do that, and you're not…" silence, "So, where's Tsukasa?"

Flustered, Subaru said, "Well, just you wait! I'm going to become a hacker! I'm gonna be the cbest, even better than Helba! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! In your face!" As soon as her last sentence was finished, she logged out.

Mimiru stood there for a while, figured that Subaru could never pull it off, and went to go see all the cute little baby grunties.

In the real world, at the local library, the whole _Hacking for Dummies _books were checked out.

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so, how was it? just remember that this is my first time writing in, like, a year. so, go and review! wat r u waiting 4, GO REVIEW! NOW! 


	2. Subaru's Creation

hey, sorry 4 the long wait between chappie updates! i apologize 4 my laziness, so, ummm…sorry. well, ok, since i hav nothing else 2 say up here, here's the story!

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disclaimer: i still don't own n-e body cool. I do own susie snowglobe, however.

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A few days after Subaru's outburst, Tsukasa decides to wait at Dun Loireag for her. After a while, Ann(A/N: the real name of the girl controlling tsukasa, not sure if it's spelled like that though.) gets a little thirsty from just sitting in front of her PC doing nothing. So, she gets up to get her a nice cup of Hawaiian Punch, and to talk to her inanimate, imaginary friend, Susie Snowglobe, who was looking quite lonely. 

"Tsukasa? Hellllllooooooooooooo….?" Mimiru was talking to a very still Tsukasa. "Hey Tsukasa, I'm talking to you! It's not very polite to just ignore somebody like this! The net is the same as the real world!" She waited a while for Tsukasa to say SOMETHING to her statement. When he didn't reply, Mimiru started to walk off.

Ann, after being thoroughly quenched by her Hawaiian Punch walked back to the computer and put on her goggles. Back in "The World", Tsukasa notices Mimiru walking away. "Hey, Mimiru!" he yells at her to get her attention.

"Oh, so NOW you wanna talk! Well, why didn't you say something before, huh?"

Confused, Tsukasa looks at her. "What are you talking about? This is the first time I've seen you today…" he(A/N: i'm gonna b switching between guy and girl for tsukasa, just depends on real world or "the world") replied to her. Then it hit him like a world-champion boxer slaps a dead kangaroo in the morning. "I think you talked to me while I was talking to Susie and drinking some Hawaiian Punch…"

"…Oh, I guess I should apologize for that outburst then, but I'm not going to! So there!" Mimiru told Tsukasa.

"That's okay, I never even asked you to apologize. You brought that up on your own. Now, this might just be the Hawaiian Punch talking, but why would you start talking about something that your NOT going to do?" Tsukasa looked at her, waiting for a reply.

"Umm….is that a rhetorical question?" Mimiru asked.

"Wow…you're either A) a pest, orB) annoying. Okay, enough about you, where's Subaru?"

"Why do you always wanna see her? Are you secretly a lesbo or something? Or do names inspired by cars just turn you on? Tsukasa, everyone knows that you're a girl in the real world, so why do you keep wanting to be all over Subaru? Are you just desperate for some action or what?"

In the real world, Ann sat in front of her terminal kissing her picture of Brittany Spears. She then stopped and pulled out her picture of Christina Aguilera(A/N: I know that's prob'ly not spelled rite…), thinking if she had to be with just one which one she would choose.

"Ummmm….excuse me…"

"Oh…" Tsukasa said in a innocent voice, "Hi Subaru!"

"Oh, hey Subaru, how ya doin'? Don't worry, I wasn't talking behind your back about you and Tsukasa being together in any way, shape, or form." Mimiru said in a embarrassed kind of voice.

"It's quite all right, I'm fine with people knowing that I'm a lesbian. Tsukasa's fine with it, too, aren't you?" Subaru asked the little wavemaster.

"SHHHHHH! You don't have to tell Mimiru EVERYTHING!" Tsukasa whispered to the heavy axe.

"Well, I didn't come here to talk about sexual preference. I just wanted to show you my first creation as a hacker!" After this statement, it looked like Subaru was trying really hard to concentrate. After about 15 minutes of concentrating, something began to happen…

"Mon Ami…"

Something that slightly resembled Noble Grunty hovered above them. "So, what do you think? Isn't it cool! I call it the gruntyghost 2.0!" Subaru said excitedly.

"Why the hell did you make a grunty ghost! Out of all the things you could have made, you made a stupid ghost of the most annoying creature known to man that follows you everywhere! What happened to that 'infinite PB&J' idea of yours?" Mimiru just looked at the ugly specter and poked it a couple of times.

"Don't you dare call my BEAUTIFUL creation stupid again! I love my grunty ghost!glomps grunty ghost And he even does a couple of things. Like, he'll follow you everywhere you go saying 'Mon Ami…' all moany like a ghost. And sometimes, if you're really nice to it, it'll eat your soul! Isn't that cool?" Subaru, very hyped up at this point, looked at Tsukasa.

"Ummm…yea Subaru, I really love your ghosty-thingy…you, umm, go girl…!" Tsukasa added a little victory sign at the end to make Subaru feel better.

Subaru shrieks in delight. "Oh, I knew you'd love it! glomps Tsukasa Here, I'll make on especially for you!"

Tsukasa, looking nervous, said, "Umm…that's okay, Subaru, you can keep it. Your lovin' is good enogh."

Subaru gave him a big smile, then turned and gave the death glare to Mimiru. "I'm so happy you like it, Tsukasa! And as for you, Mimiru, I'll deal with you later…" She shot a look of evil at Mimiru. "Well, I guess I'll log out for now. I'll see you later, shnooky-poo!" This last comment, directed at Tsukasa, made his whole face turn red.

After Subaru had logged out, Mimiru turned to Tsukasa. "You really ARE lesbo!"

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so, what'd ya think. now go review! I COMMAND U! cough umm…sorry… 


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